Monday, 4 January 2010

I feel a little sad....

It is two years since we decided, what will be will be regarding pregnancy. Unfortunately this has meant nothing, no new pregnancy. I had a couple of different problems for a while and as soon as they righted themselves, things again took an unfortunate turn for my husband. This has meant that I have not been able to conceive for the past six or seven months. However, I honestly thought that this month, even though the chance was only slight, it was going to be my turn again. I took myself off to the chemist and bought a home pregnancy test. Well to cut a long story short it was negative and I feel very sad now.

I am fed up with working out dates and being disappointed, looking at negative pregnancy tests and making sure over and over again that you haven't missed that positive line. The funny thing is if you stare at it long enough, your mind plays tricks on you and the second line seems to appear as if by magic!!!

I know I have four lovely children who I love more than anything and who I am so grateful for, but it still doesn't stop me wanting to hold that new baby in my arms and wonder what kind of little person they are going to be. Not many people understand how I feel and think I should be content with what I have, so much so that I don't really talk about it anymore.

Max will be three soon and will start nursery in September, I have started counting the days down already and not in the way which a lot of my friends have done with their children. They couldn't wait for five half days of freedom, the thought of it fills me with dread.

Me and Max (about 12 hours old)

Max now

Sitting here moping isn't going to get very much done, so I will put on my fake smile and head off downstairs!

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do and that you are going through something so hard. I, of course, cannot understand the feeling of really wanting a baby and having to wait for a long time. I do, however, relate to the sentiment that although you have four children, it doesn't feel like enough. I have a cousin who had eleven and was crushed when she was told she couldn't have any more. It wasn't that she was ungrateful for the many she had. Of course she loved them with all her heart. You have four children because you LOVE children and that love prompts you to want more. I actually worry often that as I get older babies won't come so easily. I can't imagine coping well with that trial. I wish you the best, I really do. And I pray that you won't have to wait much longer.